are this years apologies every last time I come home…

Yeah I just opened up with a fall out boy song, because right now strangely enough that stupid song is the only thing getting me through the day…

So lets make this note, 4/7/11 a date of many of firsts.

My first tumblr account.

My first Handles Icecream of the year.

& my first psychological burn out.

My first time crying in a long time.

& the first time I decided to find help on my own.

I emailed a psychologist in my area today about therapy to see if she takes my insurance. And I hope she does, cause I need this.

I feel like I am going up in flames. As I walk through my day. and no body knows..but I’m on fire slowly burning to my death…and not a single person stops, or even makes eye-contact as I burn. I don’t even think I expect them too.. I don’t want pity. I want real help.

I understand life sucks. I understand life is busy. I understand that your life sucks as much as mine and you don’t have time to reach you’re neck out for me..But I kinda wish someone would.. 

I have lost everything. I lost everyone close to me because I’m foolish…and I can’t take it..One minute I’m burning up in flame, the next I’m drowning… I ffeel like all I’ve done today was cry..

I know all that I’ve been talking about are signs of depression. I wish I could control it. I feel like I have no control over my own life. 

Iam also a hypocrite I hate when people cry about their lives. but I am so far down…I’ve become what I never wanted. I hope someday I’ll delete this so that no one knows how pathetic Maddie Ann really is…..I want people to see me as strong, I try so hard to be strong, but I’m crashing beneth myself..

…one time I felt like this before…I was younger..and had my best friend had told me when I feel like the world is too strong to hold up on my own, I always have them[my friends] to hold it up for me. I must’ve been 12…I’ll probably never forget that…but now?

Where are you now….?

Who is holding up my world now?